Conquering Fears

Lately, I’ve been wanting to do things that I’m scared of.. things that sound cool, but make me nervous.  Recently, I wrote an erotic poetry and read it at an Erotic Poetry Night.  Writing poetry has always been easy to me.  I had never written an erotic poem though.  So, I got inspiration from my husband.  I finished the poem the day of the Poetry Night.

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The Erotic Poetry Night at the Erotic Heritage Museum wasn’t very busy which was good for me.  I still get nervous reading in front of people.  I’d rather sing in front of a crowd than read anything.  Sometimes I mess up my words and then it’s embarrassing.  A lady reading from her iPad was up when we arrived.  Her poems were good.  Next, the host Amanda was up next.  She’s a sexologist who teaches at UNLV and is the event and education director at the Erotic Heritage Museum.  One of the guys liked using big words with ex at the beginning… he wasn’t shy in front of crowds for sure.  I’m SO glad I didn’t have to follow him.  I was up last.

I was nervous reading my poem and was really quick about it. I did well though. I plan to write more poetry and perform more.  Hopefully, I’ll get more comfortable with reading poems in front of people.

Years ago I got a tattoo because I thought it would hurt too much.  It didn’t and I have a big heart on my thigh.  Would love to get another one.. just not sure what.  I need another fear to conquer… what next?  What fears do you want to conquer?

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Becoming British

My husband is British and I would love a English accent.  I always use to say that if I had a English accent, I’d be sexy.  I was born in the USA and have a general, boring American accent.  Someday we’re going to have kids and I don’t want them having a funky American-English accent.  I’ve heard an Australian-American accent and it sounded funny… just not right somehow.

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So, I am trying to talk like I’m British.  It’s a bit easy if I really remember and concentrate on it.  I hear my husband talk a lot so I can easily copy what I hear.  When we were in Las Vegas, we’d listen to a lot of BBC One Radio.  If I lived in England, I would eventually get the accent.  It seems that when I come back from England, I have somewhat of a British accent.

I have been trying, but it’s so much easier to talk in an American accent since that’s what I’m used to.  Ivan says that I should practice talking slowly and annunciate my words.  I think that does help.  I do think that it would help to start afresh with the language from the beginning.  There’s a program I saw online that you can buy so you can talk in an English accent. 

I was on a pub crawl the other day and I told the guy I met that I was American. He said Oh, I thought you were English.  Nice!

I was thinking that if I thought as if I’m talking in an English accent that might help.  That takes effort though… maybe I should try it more.

I’m so very American though!  I say things like awesome or lame.  It’s time to learn more English slang words.  There’s plenty of things to learn so I sound English.

I made some scones when Ivan’s parents and brother were in town.  I need to learn to make more English dishes.  I want to have a proper English tea party where I make scones and sandwiches and serve lovely English tea.

This is another challenge for me and I’m up for it!  Let’s hope that someday people will actually think I’m British.

Jen 3.0

I’m not sure what has happened… but I feel so much calmer and I’m not getting as angry.  Of course, I still get anger thoughts in my head which will go away eventually.  I feel so much lighter and happier.  I’ve been very inquisitive on tours and asking lots of questions.  I’m more personable now.  I like people now!

I know that if I continue my horrible anger that it will drive people away.  So, I’ve taken a new attitude of life.  I feel so much better!! Ivan thinks I’ve skipped Jen 2.0 and I’m the brand new Jen 3.0.  I’m like a new, better version of Windows (We all now Windows Vista was super slow and very crappy!). 

I’ve been talking a lot more now.  I want to learn so much and do more things.  I can’t wait to learn swing dancing and learn how to sew when I get back to Vegas.  I feel ALIVE!!!

I have adopted two mottos:

Keep Calm and Deal with it — can be Shut Up and Deal with it, but it sounds more positive with Keep Calm

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‘Bahala na’  which is a Filipino saying my mom used to say a lot.  There’s lots of different meanings.. but I always thought it meant Whatever may be, will be.  Check out another meaning here (search for Bahala Na).  I think it’s funny that is rhymes with Mahama na.

Sometimes you feel like a nut..

Sometimes I hate being a girl. Whenever my period comes closer, I just turn into a madwoman.  I just feel so angry at everything and everybody.  I know it’s the hormones and I shouldn’t let them control my emotions.  It’s so hard not to though.  It’s like they take over your body and make you crazy.  I was in Primark on Oxford Street the other day and even without being on my period, Primark is a crowded place that makes me annoyed.  But, I was on my period and people were hitting me coz it was so crowded and I had to go around slow people so I could browse more clothes.  I had to tell myself to calm down that it was alright.  It’s hard to relax sometimes. 

I’m really trying to control my emotions which always seem to get me so angry.  It’s a hard battle.  I am just afraid that I’m going to make myself sick and have a heart attack because of my bitter anger.  I know that if I don’t change, it could also leave to relationships turning very sour. 

I’m currently reading Angry All the Time: An Emergency Guide to Anger Control.  It’s very direct and honest.  I do need to read it more.  I hope that it helps.  I’ve read other self-help anger books and I guess I don’t practice everything they say.  I do at first, but then somehow I go back to the way I was.  I know I can control it.. I just have to make the conscious decision to change my actions and emotions.  I know that I’m the problem and nobody else is to blame but me.  I can’t be an uncontrollable volcano for the rest of my life or my health is going to pay.  I need to stop myself when I get angry and breathe.  I should count to 3 when I start getting angry, which may help the anger go away.

Some days I just want to punch people because I’m soooo angry.  I don’t, but that’s how angry and emotional I feel sometimes.  I know this is not going to be an easy thing to change.  But, in the end it will be worth it.

I hope to be a more positive person and not be so negative about everything.  I think it goes hand in hand with anger somehow for me anyway….  I shouldn’t be bitter.  Not everybody is out to get me.. it’s just in my paranoid head.  Not every person is a mean person.  I shouldn’t be a misanthrope.  I should live life and accept that people can actually be nice and loving.

Back in Vegas

It’s been awhile since I posted. We’re living in Las Vegas now. We’ve traveled for 3 years and it’s been wonderful.  We’ve been cooking lots of Indian and Thai dishes to learn how to cook.  Ivan’s a lot better at cooking than me.  We bought a cool house and it’s been fun decorating it.  I hope we can have a big house party sometime… maybe for my birthday!

Soon, we’re getting married!!  It’s been nuts trying to find a venue. But, it looks like we found one.  It’s time to plan it now!!  I’m creating a site for the wedding.  Evernote has been helpful for making lots of lists for things I need to buy or do.  We need to find a Caterer and a DJ ASAP.

I’ve been getting into mailart.  My art creation site is House of Art.  I’ve sent out three pieces so far.  I can’t wait until I receive some mailart!!

Back Home

I came back to Las Vegas on November 3rd.  I’ve been meaning to update this page.  Just haven’t gotten around to it.  Sorry, I was supposed to post more while traveling – but I was usually so busy doing activities.

It was weird being back home after traveling for 13 months.  Mostly I was bored.  I was wishing that I was still traveling and seeing new cities.  I really do miss it.  I’ve been trying to get back into the swing of things here.

I’ve spent lots of time with my family.  I missed them tremendously.  I have hung out with some of my friends.  It’s so great to see everybody! 

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Right now, I’m concentrating on obtaining a job.  It’s rough right now since the recession.  But, there’s lots of openings at casinos since a lot of people are headed to the City Center.  I’m hoping I’ll have a job soon.

I’ve been trying to finish the blog that covers our travel adventures.  Lil Dave couldn’t finish it since he went to Africa with Ivan.  Ivan has a new blog about his 54 days trip in Africa.  I also have to upload the rest of the pictures from our trip.

I will try to update you on my life.  It hasn’t been much lately.  I’ve just been mostly playing games on Facebook, watching tv shows, cartoons and anime and hanging out with family and friends. 

Party Hardy

On September 6th, 2008 I met Charisse & her friend Irving at the Mandalay Bay Hotel & Casino. She got a suite that night because she was throwing a 25th birthday party for herself. I asked her if I could crash there after my going away party and she said it was cool. Charisse told me that she told Joseph (the guy she’s dating) to bring a few friends to the party. I had noticed earlier in the day that he put a bulletin on Myspace talking about the party and to call him. I thought that was wrong. She said I hope he only brings a few friends. If he brings a lot of people, I’m going to make them go. I changed into my bathing suit. We headed down to the Mandalay Beach. I’m glad that I had the opportunity to go to this pool again. It’s just the best pool in town. We found some seats on the beach area then headed to the wave pool. Charisse couldn’t believe that the waves were so powerful. We stayed there for a little while. Next, we went to the lazy river. All of us just floated around. Irving said that Charisse and I weren’t being lazy enough. I guess we were going too fast. The jets just move you along. We found a inner tube. Charisse took it and I held on the side and laid down in the water. It was nice to just float around the river. I wanted to get some dinner. We walked to Border Grill. I ordered a carne asada quesadilla. Charisse & Irving left because Charisse needed to buy some alcohol for her party and get her laptop for music. I waited for my order. I guess I looked tired because the waiter gave me a water. He said You’ve been out at the pool all day, huh? I said Yes, thank you for the water. I wasn’t at the pool all day but for like two hours. Being in the sun for a few hours usually gets me tired. I received my order and went up to the suite to eat. I ate and then got ready for my party. Charisse came back with a bunch of alcohol. I told her I was leaving for the party. She said she would probably come and Irving might too.

I was running late to my own going away party. The tavern was only a few minutes away from Mandalay Bay. Michelle called me to see where I was. She let me know that she was there along with Clark, Tabby and Beazus. I went inside Sierra Gold and saw everybody. The bar was really dead. I think it was because it was really early (only a few minutes past 8 pm) and there was a UFC fight on tv. More people kept showing up. Rainee, Ivy and Josh were the next to show up. Ivy was really sweet and bought me a compass for my trip. I thought it was funny since I don’t have a sense of directions. She didn’t know that though. We moved over to the pool table area since we had more people. Tabby was taking pictures. We were having an ugly face contest. I think Kori won the ugliest face contest.

My pick for the Ugliest Face contest

My pick for the Ugliest Face contest

I couldn’t think of anything good though. Wroderick dropped by. I haven’t seen him for a few months. Kori and Phil came and we decided to move over to the lounge area. There’s a few tvs and big couches in this big room.

Craziness in the lounge

Craziness in the lounge

It was great to see old friends. I went to junior high school and freshman year in high school with Kori. I haven’t seen her in years. She has a 5 month year old baby named Kyan. She looked great. Her husband’s dad knows my dad since he’s a doctor. I talked to her for awhile catching up on life. It was nice talking to everybody. I was drinking a little. Mel and Moe arrived. I met Mel and Wroderick a long time ago on a bbs called Multi-comm. We were called goons. Later on, Therese came and she joined the goons. I hadn’t seen her in a few years. Jin came with her friend Marcus. I used to work with her at Guest Services long ago. The last time I saw her was at our friend Jerry’s going away party. She looked awesome. She lost a lot of weight. Robert stopped by as well. He works at the box office. Josh bought me a chocolate cake shot. Me, Josh and Beazus did a shot at the same time. Those drinks are great!

Rainee, me and Robert

Rainee, me and Robert

Alex came soon after and then Edgar as well. Mel, Moe, Wroderick and Therese wanted to go somewhere either a bar or dancing. They decided to head to the goth club Vector 21 at Goodtimes. I said I would meet them in an hour or so. Jin bought me a Sex on the Beach. I stopped drinking after that. I figured I should sober up if I wanted to drive to the goth club. I drank a big glass of water and just chatted with people. I paid for my bar tab. I told the lady that there should have been two drinks on there, not one. She basically said it’s all good. So, I left her a nice tip and signed the receipt. Slowly, everybody started going home. It was a good party. I thought more people would show up. Everybody always say they’re going to come, but they don’t end up showing up. At least a lot of my good friends came. So, I was happy. One of my best friends Brandon didn’t show up. I told him he was a loser. He’s always busy and he’s also really religious so he doesn’t go to bars. A lot of people who couldn’t make it, have made plans with me to go somewhere before I leave. I did invite some to my other going away party, which is on September 20th. I only invited some friends and family.

I was sober and drove over to Goodtimes. I found the group easily since they were at the back of the club drinking and talking. I couldn’t believe that Wroderick was dancing. I’ve never seen him dance before! I danced for a few songs. I saw a guy wearing a gas mask. I thought that was funny. I tried to take a picture of him, but he had left already.

Dancing over at Vector 21

Dancing over at Vector 21

The songs started getting all aggressive. I told Therese I didn’t want to dance coz the music was too angry. Therese bought me a drink. But, Wroderick spilled it over me and Mel. I only drank a little since it was way too strong. Yuck! Everybody wanted to go. I asked them if they wanted to check out my cousin’s party at the Mandalay Bay suite. I texted her to make sure it was fine to bring some friends. She said Sure! So, Mel and Therese followed me in their cars. I forgot people were following me and they didn’t make the light. I called them just to meet in the lobby at the Mandalay Bay.

We all met in the lobby and then I had to find the right elevators up. The higher floors require a key to gain access to the rooms. The room was on the 60th floor. I saw my cousin Nathaniel there. I also saw Joseph. They were waiting for somebody with a key. I said I had one and we headed up. One of the girls said you better prepare yourself. I didn’t know what they meant. It was lot of people I’ve never seen before and a lot of them wearing black shirts. So, we walked in the room. The living area was filled with people with black shirts probably about a dozen people. I had no clue who these people were. I figured it was probably all Joseph’s friends. He’s into death metal and likes to wear dark clothes. I found Charisse in the bedroom. I introduced her to my friends. I asked her what was going on. She said that room has Joseph’s friends and her friends were in the bedroom. I said Aren’t you mad that he brought so many people? She said No, as long as they stay in that room and don’t make too much noise. Of course, they also had to smoke outside the room. She told me that somebody had ordered pizza with Room Service. She told them that she never ordered it. She said she had moved all the food that the hotel charges into a cabinet, so nobody would touch it. The alcohol that you have to pay for was off limits for everybody. I was trying to get a drink, but it looks like all that was left was beer. I told my friends that this was like being at the goth club. My friends seemed a little freaked and said they were going home. I said Sorry to them. I went to go lie down in the bedroom. I was just really tired and wanted to sleep at this point. It was like 3 am. I did say hi to Charisse’s friends. I knew a few of them like Victoria and Mao.

I fell asleep somehow even though it was so noisy. I kept waking up and hearing people talking. Charisse said they were heading to see if they could get in the Foundation Room. I knew they couldn’t since it’s only open to the public on Monday. But, I didn’t say anything. I was just crashed out. I woke up at around 5:30 am to go to the bathroom. There was Charisse’s friend on the bed. Then, two people on the chairs in the room. I changed and then went back to sleep. I woke up around 10 am. Joseph and Charisse’s friend was cleaning up. I guess some other peole were sleeping on the couch and Joseph slept on the floor. I was still mad that Joseph invited a bunch of people. I didn’t say anything though.

Charisse & Joseph

Charisse & Joseph

Joseph, Charisse and I went to lobby. Charisse checked out of the room. We all parked on the same floor. Charisse said she’d see me at the BBQ party on the 20th. I said Yes. Joseph said something about the party. I just ignored him. I was definitely not inviting him to the party. I was pissed about his behavior. So, we said good-bye. I drove to EVOS. It’s a place that serves food that has less calories. The place air cooks their french fries.

I took a picture of the sign outside of EVOS. Michelle told me about this place awhile ago. I just never went there since it’s in Henderson. I decided since I was on the east side of town, I should check it out. I went inside to order. I felt like having a burger. A young lady was taking my order. Then, a guy who worked there said Are you associated with somebody? I said What do you mean? He said one of the employees saw you taking a picture so I was wondering. I said No, it’s for my blog, I write about different places. I looked at the lady taking the order and she rolled her eyes. I thought it was funny too. But, maybe they thought I was a big reporter or something. When he said Are you associated with somebody? I thought I’m not with the mob. I heard him tell the other co-workers and they laughed. Maybe I should have said I was with the Las Vegas Sun. Maybe I would have gotten a free meal. I ordered a EVOs Freerange Steakburger Meal. I went with the Mango Guava shake which was recommended by my server. The restaurant has four different kinds of ketchups. The choices were Cayenne Firewalker, Mesquite Magic, Garlic Gravity and Orginal Americana. I got all the choices except for the Cayenne Firewalker. I didn’t feel like eating anything hot today. I waited for my order. I got my food and went to sit down.

The shake was very delicious! The burger was a good size and tasted great. The fries were light, but didn’t come with too many fries. I was so stuffed after that meal! I grabbed a nutrition fact sheet on the way out. It was less calories than other fast food restaurants. But, I still ate a huge meal. I didn’t eat that much the rest of the day. I headed home and relaxed.

Update on the Joseph situation – (It’s a little long.. just figuring out why there were so many of Joseph’s friend at the party – skip it, if you want!!),

Oh yah.. on the Joseph’s friends situation. So, I wrote Joseph a message on Myspace saying that was rude and disrespectful bringing that many people when Charisse said to only bring a few friends. Also, it was HER party and she bought all that alcohol for her and HER friends. I just thought it was wrong of him to post it on myspace so everybody would know. He wrote me back saying that he respects my opinion. He felt bad that so many people showed up. But, his friends did pitch in with alcohol. He only told a few friends and they told people and it spread like wildfire. He said that he’s invited friends to other people’s parties and they didn’t have a problem with it. He said as long as they didn’t create any drama and chipped in for alcohol, he didn’t see anything wrong with it. I just told him it was fine as long as they chipped in. It’s just wrong that his friends would tell other people about it. Charisse wrote me later on. I told her that I’d see her at the party, but I didn’t invite Joseph because he made me mad for inviting on those people. She told me he apologized to her saying he didn’t know it would be so many people. She said she was glad I had her back (backing her up in any situation). She said a lot of her friends have given her opinion on him and she appreciates it. But, she is still giving him a chance. I didn’t say anything about breaking up with him. I just didn’t wanted him to know that it was rude. He’s a nice guy. So, as long as he treats her right and she’s happy, it’s fine. I don’t like anybody being mean to my friends or family.