Jen 3.0

I’m not sure what has happened… but I feel so much calmer and I’m not getting as angry.  Of course, I still get anger thoughts in my head which will go away eventually.  I feel so much lighter and happier.  I’ve been very inquisitive on tours and asking lots of questions.  I’m more personable now.  I like people now!

I know that if I continue my horrible anger that it will drive people away.  So, I’ve taken a new attitude of life.  I feel so much better!! Ivan thinks I’ve skipped Jen 2.0 and I’m the brand new Jen 3.0.  I’m like a new, better version of Windows (We all now Windows Vista was super slow and very crappy!). 

I’ve been talking a lot more now.  I want to learn so much and do more things.  I can’t wait to learn swing dancing and learn how to sew when I get back to Vegas.  I feel ALIVE!!!

I have adopted two mottos:

Keep Calm and Deal with it — can be Shut Up and Deal with it, but it sounds more positive with Keep Calm

shut-up-and-deal-with-it-15

‘Bahala na’  which is a Filipino saying my mom used to say a lot.  There’s lots of different meanings.. but I always thought it meant Whatever may be, will be.  Check out another meaning here (search for Bahala Na).  I think it’s funny that is rhymes with Mahama na.

Sometimes you feel like a nut..

Sometimes I hate being a girl. Whenever my period comes closer, I just turn into a madwoman.  I just feel so angry at everything and everybody.  I know it’s the hormones and I shouldn’t let them control my emotions.  It’s so hard not to though.  It’s like they take over your body and make you crazy.  I was in Primark on Oxford Street the other day and even without being on my period, Primark is a crowded place that makes me annoyed.  But, I was on my period and people were hitting me coz it was so crowded and I had to go around slow people so I could browse more clothes.  I had to tell myself to calm down that it was alright.  It’s hard to relax sometimes. 

I’m really trying to control my emotions which always seem to get me so angry.  It’s a hard battle.  I am just afraid that I’m going to make myself sick and have a heart attack because of my bitter anger.  I know that if I don’t change, it could also leave to relationships turning very sour. 

I’m currently reading Angry All the Time: An Emergency Guide to Anger Control.  It’s very direct and honest.  I do need to read it more.  I hope that it helps.  I’ve read other self-help anger books and I guess I don’t practice everything they say.  I do at first, but then somehow I go back to the way I was.  I know I can control it.. I just have to make the conscious decision to change my actions and emotions.  I know that I’m the problem and nobody else is to blame but me.  I can’t be an uncontrollable volcano for the rest of my life or my health is going to pay.  I need to stop myself when I get angry and breathe.  I should count to 3 when I start getting angry, which may help the anger go away.

Some days I just want to punch people because I’m soooo angry.  I don’t, but that’s how angry and emotional I feel sometimes.  I know this is not going to be an easy thing to change.  But, in the end it will be worth it.

I hope to be a more positive person and not be so negative about everything.  I think it goes hand in hand with anger somehow for me anyway….  I shouldn’t be bitter.  Not everybody is out to get me.. it’s just in my paranoid head.  Not every person is a mean person.  I shouldn’t be a misanthrope.  I should live life and accept that people can actually be nice and loving.